Catnip Is For LosersOne Cat`s Viewpoint

He attacked without warning. The small, gray bundle of trouble showed up, unannounced, one day; the latest brilliant idea of one of my Humans. I was promised that he was just visiting; that he would be gone in a few days. It has now been a week and the twirp is still here.

Humans cannot be trusted.

From morning to night, he stalks, harasses and generally terrorizes me. I stretch out for an afternoon nap and suddenly, I am brutally and viciously assaulted with no warning. I take time out from my busy schedule for a quick bite, only to find the interloper with his head in my food bowl or, even worse, the bowl completely empty.

Kittens cannot be trusted.

So I was walking through the kitchen one day, headed to the sofa for a quick siesta. Just as I passed the carton of water bottles, the little devil leapt from hiding and attacked. I felt the razor-sharp teeth sink into my ankle.

Something snapped. I had simply had enough.

I let the little bugger survive. My outburst bought me about 15 minutes of peace. I will let you know how things turn out… right now, I just need a nap.

Oh yeah, the Humans have named him “Jasper.”

I just found out that the Humans will be headed out of town in a couple of weeks. I can’t decide if I am going to stay here or find a four-star somewhere closer to the night life.

Not much going on around here… the Big Guy’s biggest goldfish, Bait, died after living over nine long years.  The Big Guy, the Girl Who Feeds Me and the Girl With Catpan Duty had a little burial ceremony in the vacant lot across the street, which was a little weird.

Oh well…. time for a nap.

Some have alleged that the fact that I sleep in a pink house and that I play with dolls establishes a pattern of questionable conduct. I write to assure you that, despite my recent surgery, my manhood remains intact.

Yes, I sleep in a pink house. I explained that in my previous post. And while it is also true that I play with dolls (actually, doll parts), there is a manly explanation.

The Girl With Catpan Duty has a large box of “Polly Pockets” stuff. You know, that’s the little rubbery doll with the little rubbery clothing and the little rubbery accessories. TGWCD has a ton of PPP. (That’s “Polly Pocket Paraphernalia” for the uneducated.)

Heaven help me, I love that squishy stuff. I sneak into the box at night and take out little rubbery coats and little rubbery dresses and little rubbery pocketbooks and take them downstairs to play. If I bat one underneath the sofa, I just go get another. I can chase a little rubbery raincoat around the house for hours.

As you can see, I play with Pollys purely for the exercise.

So the Humans spent a large part of the weekend visiting with other members of their litter. Normally, I welcome the peace and quiet but there is such a thing as “too much of a good thing.” The Girl Who Feeds Me and The Girl With Catpan Duty are at school, so I have spent much of the day bugging the snot out of The Big Guy.

Right now, I am sitting right in front of him, slowly licking various body parts (my own; he’s nasty) between paragraphs.

In recent days, I have caught a little grief for the style and color of my sleeping quarters. First of all, don’t worry about it. Second, only a cat who is confident in his masculinity could make such a bold statement. Sissies and little girls may be troubled by my colorful digs, but not I. I sleep well, my friend.

No, I am not sensitive about it. The place is roomy and quiet. But I am perplexed by pampered pusses who pontificate profusely from their padded, store-bought “Walmart Special” about my perfectly fine, pink home. 

Lots of folks have been asking when I was going to update my blog. See, folks just do not understand how busy and action-packed a cat’s life can be. I have been so busy with living life that I just haven’t had time to tell you about it.

So today is chore day. That’s when the Humans band together to help me get the place tidied up. Conveniently, the Girl Who Feeds Me and the Little Girl With Catpan Duty are no where to be found… off visiting with relatives or something.

So that leaves me with The Big Guy and The Boss. Quite honestly, those two are practically useless. While I have been keeping the laundering process going and preventing dust from landing on the computer monitor, The Big Guy has been playing on the computer. Non-stop. In his pajamas. Unshaved. Meanwhile, The Boss has played video games all day. In her pajamas. Unshaved.

Useless Humans. Completely useless. How I carry this burden is beyond understanding.

All I can say is… oweee.

I came through my surgery this morning without a hitch. I ought to spare you the gory details, but that’s not my style…

One moment, I was sitting there wondering why the table was so cold; the next thing I know, I was asleep. When I awoke, my `hoo hahs` were gone and I was as sore as hell.

There. I said it. In the words of a Great American Human, “That’s all I have to say about that.”

The Big Guy said he was going to get me fixed but, I swear, I think that there was just more damage done. I couldn’t walk straight for several hours.

I am doing just fine now… didn’t even need any meds for the pain `cause, you know, catnip is for losers. (No, those pills are for a little intestinal malady that flared up a few days ago.) Had myself a big ol` bowl of food, too, since I hadn’t eaten a thing since last  night.

I am supposed to get plenty of bed rest and engage in no strenuous activity for a week. I got these silly Humans hauling me up and down the stairs! Life is good.